Brown is the New Black

So I just listened to one of those pre-recorded messages sent out via a mass calling system somewhere at the offices of the District School Board. It was left as a voice mail on my phone, probably when I was standing out in our driveway, shivering, talking to a friend of ours. It is, after all, 39 degrees outside right now.

Thirty . . . nine . . . degrees. In Florida. That's cold for us down here, honeys, and in the absence of a nearby ski mountain, lights all a-twinkle and sheeshy pedestrians by the SUV-load, it just ain't right.

Anyway, the message was from our superintendent of schools. I listened as she sweetly explained that she's just heard from the electrical powers-that-be around here, who told her that due to the cold weather tomorrow, there's a chance we might experience . . . wait for it . . .

BROWNOUTS.

"Brownouts?" Did she say "brownouts"?! Uh huh, she sure did. Trust me. I listened to it again just to make sure. And what, pray tell, is a brownout? Well she didn't explain, so I Googled it later, but she did say this (and I loosely quote, in a sort of paraphrasing kind of way):

Due to these brownouts, we may experience temporary losses of electricity that will make it difficult for us to heat some parts of our facilities for short periods of time. In short, it's going to be cold as crap, outside AND inside. This means your munchkins might be freezing their little schnitzels off, right there during whole group reading. Or math. Or circle sharing time. Or maybe all three. No way to predict those darn brownouts. So bundle 'em up, parents! Layer on those thin cotton hoodies and nylon windbreakers we Floridians are so fond of. Shouldn't need more than ten or twelve, and if temperatures get up into the 50's we'll let 'em start peeling them off. Thank you for all your support of our district and our children. I mean your children. It is our hope and belief that they will thaw out by Friday. Have a good night, and God bless America. Peace out.

So I might have taken a few liberties, but you get the picture. Basically, we of the thin-blooded people, who never have to deal with freezing temperatures and, consequently, don't own any truly warm clothes, are going to send our kiddos to school in the hopes that some measure of knowledge will be able to penetrate the layer of frost around their tiny frozen bodies as they huddle for warmth, making "smoke rings" with their breath as they repeat vocabulary definitions.

Yeah, that's how we roll in the Sunshine State.